A Morning Drive with A Legend.

Today was a little crazy on my commute to work. People were in a hurry. A lot of people. Tailgating, trying to find the fastest lane. You could almost sense their anxiety, their worry, their hurried, frenzied desperation.

Yesterday there was one driver in a Nissan sedan that was hell bent on getting somewhere fast. Cutting in between cars, sudden, drastic, dangerous lane changes, barely missing the car in front and behind, going across all three lanes to shave a few precious seconds. Everyone else seemed sane by comparison.

Today was more constant, more frantic, more urgent. I even left early, normally a guarantee of an easy drive. Not the case today, I was stuck in the middle lane almost all the way. Right and left a parade of frustrated drivers riding the bumper of the car in front of them all the way downtown. Finally I managed to get in the exit lane and cruise to work, comfortable, relaxed and at peace.

No matter when I leave, no matter where I am going I am never in that big of a hurry to get there. It is the journey, not the destination. Even when it is really the destination that matters, the journey is what makes the whole ship float.

Driving can be a pleasant pastime, a little music, a little solitude. Today it was Wilson Pickett and Land of A 1,000 Dances that really made the drive pleasant. Oh sure there were other songs, other artists, other pleasant seconds. "Wow! Ow! Uh! You know I feel alright? Hah! Feel Pretty good, y'all. Uh huh!" Me too, Wilson, watch us "work, y'all." The driving, rising crashing crescendo, music, unbridled passion, joy and enthusiasm. It makes me smile just thinking about it.




Nothing so happy for the parade of angry, impotent, potentially tardy commuters in the other lanes this morning. I felt a little pity, they didn't understand the universal rule of time; there is never enough, but there is always plenty, if you use it right.

No matter what, no matter how big the hurry, no matter which lane you choose, at the front is going to be somebody who is only going to drive the speed limit. Or, God forbid, less than the speed limit. I am always glad to find that person, then nobody can blame me for holding up traffic, it is the car in front of me. When an angry person flies past both us I will feign mighty indignation, and disbelief, but only from a safe distance. Then stay in place behind them, you never leave your wingman, right?

Three types of commuters. From the archives

Today we are going to discuss commuting, in general, and early morning commuting, before rush hour, in particular, 6:00 AM to 6:30 AM commuting on a three lane freeway in Central Ohio, specifically.  This commute should be painless, for the most part.  There are three lanes, and these are divided by the speed at which the driver feels comfortable.

The Three lanes of life

In the right hand lane are two types of driver.  Right Lane Driver type #1 - those who enjoy the slow life, don't mind slowing, or hurrying to allow vehicles entering from the ramp, and have plenty of time to get to work.   These drivers never have high blood pressure, and eat a lot of salads.  Right Lane Driver Type #2 - those who are about to exit.

The middle lane is for drivers who have audio books and like to spend a little time relaxing with their favorite author before beginning their day.  It would be so inconvenient to have to adjust your speed at every ramp for merging traffic, and the middle lane is slow enough to provide plenty of time to enjoy almost a whole chapter.  If traffic is heavy it might be a chapter and a half.  Their day begins with a latte, a biscotti, sensible loafers, and something fashionable, and comfortable.  Occasionally, someone will provide a short irritant into their drive by slamming across all three lanes to exit, or reach the left hand lane, but their commute is a literary picnic, and they are happy about that.


In the left hand lane are people trying to get off the freeway, out of their car, and into what passes for
life these days.  It is for people who hate driving, and just want to get it over with quickly.  They curse at people who force the use of brakes, "#*#@*!)*( you, can't you seem I am trying to get somewhere."  A smile crosses their face as the shift lever goes into park, and they are done with the potentially lethal practice of hurtling down the highway, hoping nobody crashes into them.

It is imperative that the left lane be respected, these are people on the edge, and this traffic should go approximately 7 to 12 miles an hour faster than the middle lane.  Differences in speed are calculated using a complex formula (that is way to difficult to explain in one blog post) considering such variables as weather, light conditions, congestion, and day of the week (Mondays are faster than Wednesdays, for example).  But, traffic flow permitting the left lane drivers should always be able to pass the middle lane driver in a manner that allows a feeling of superiority, and a smug satisfaction.  Is that asking too much?

It is a good idea to know what type of driver you are, and get in your lane, and stay there.  We, here at Life Explained are developing a test, and will post it soon.  You can thank us later.

Our morning commute, and The Very First Life Explained Christmas Commercial

With our cable television we received a DVR (Digital Video Recorder).  A revolutionary device that records the things we want to watch while we are watching something else we want to watch.  Proving the theory that there is always "something good" on TV, not only something good, but often two things that have earned the "something good" classification, at least from my family.  After recording it we are free to watch it whenever we like, as often as we like, and we can skip the boring parts, and get right to the interesting bits.

However, the real magic in this electronic marvel is the ability to pause, rewind and fast forward "live television" (technically, it does not have to be live television, which is defined as "a television production broadcast in real time" and pausing it and rewinding, or fast forwarding through portions would ruin the spontaneity the producers hoped to achieve using "live television"). You can pause the program you are watching and grab a handful of corn chips, and some salsa, and maybe some cookies and milk, or crackers, cheese, and a drink, or a sandwich, potato chips and some dip, or a candy bar, and iced tea, or..., you get the idea.

I take a relatively busy freeway to work each morning, and an accident can really throw a wrench in the gears of commuting.  Knowing there is a tie up can really save time.  Watching the local traffic report is helpful. Sometimes, though an accident will happen after I leave and before I get to work.  If only there were a way to check the traffic report for the future, that would be great.

Thanks to a slight modification by Doctor Dawg, we are able to fast forward to television that hasn't happened yet. Now, before we leave for work we can check "future traffic"

One morning the traffic report showed our car in a small accident, right in the middle of the freeway. Nothing too serious, just a wrinkled fender, and probably a broken head light, which would still slow down everybody's commute, and drive up our insurance rate, and Doctor Dawg is already close to losing his license. So we took a different route.  We thought that was pretty bright.

Unfortunately it opened a tear in the time space continuum right where the accident was going to happen, and an army of demons poured out and destroyed most of freeway between the Fifth Avenue curve, and the Leonard Ave. exit. They were using cars and great big blocks of concrete and the wreckage of trucks to build a giant temple. Doctor Dawg and I barely managed to repel them and close the rift, before the completely ruined the morning commute.

It was real drain on the city budget, and tied up most of the road repair budget for the next several years, and several city council members and community leaders were really upset. Even though we managed to rush in and save the day they still blame us.  Ingrates, anyway.

Things have calmed down a little. Who knows what the future holds, though. We do, and in the next installment we will tell you.