A New Vacation, A New Threat, and Another Narrow Escape for Our Hero.

In an online exchange with one of the truly charming people on the internet, +Adele Archer, I had an epiphany. More correctly, I had something pointed out to me, An epiphany probably requires some form of self realization. Some flash of discovery. Some "aha" moment. It wasn't really like that at all.

I had pointed out the danger inherent in my wife's vacation choices. Which should make me wonder about my wife, or our relationship, or both. Further, I elaborated on the extent of the planning required to avoid catastrophe. Months of consideration, minute attention to detail, just to get back alive.

Adele pointed out that my best bet would be to avoid vacations. And this is true, partially. But, my wife is a very determined person. And to paraphrase Mr. T "I pity the fool who interferes with your wife's vacation plans."

So, I gamely plot, plan, and scheme ways to get back in one piece. Risk avoidance is an art. And I am an artist. Next year it is the North Shore of the Upper Peninsula in Michigan. In a cabin right on Lake Superior. A worthy opponent, to be sure.  In the words of Gordon Lightfoot.

"Does anyone know where the love of God goes
When the waves turn the minutes to hours?"

Or even more telling;

"Superior it is said never gives up her dead
When the gales of November come early."

Cut the deck, right in half, I'll play from either side.

Of course, the gales of November are still probably enjoying a nice summer retreat in June or July when we are planning on being there, That will probably not present much of a problem. And, since danger is my middle name* we are off on a grand adventure.

There are several tours of shipwrecks in the area. Essentially, you climb on a boat, and ride it into the middle of a huge lake. A lake so big it swallows ships much bigger than the puny little skiff that you are bobbing around on, praying to the lord it doesn't sink. And you you look at some of those big boats that did sink. It is akin to slapping fate right in the face. But, what is vacation without a little white knuckled fear? Hardly worth the effort is it?

So, if you are interested in the planning process of my potential demise and great escape stay tuned to this blog. I will keep you apprised of my wife's pernicious plans and my narrow escape. As long as I am able to keep transmitting.


* In the interest of honest, fair and impartial blogging; Danger is not really my middle name, and if it was I would have it changed, quickly. Remember the old saying "Hero's songs may be sung, but those suckers die young." I am all for a little glory and acclaim as long as it is free.

Vacation, with a dose of paranoia

Tomorrow we take off on a week long adventure. We are staying in a house on the beach in North Carolina.  Yes, I know, people are boycotting the state. And I respect that. But, we had made our reservations, invited our friends and paid our rental. So we were stuck. And so far no one has really jumped on my Boycott Sears movement, so in the words of Bo Diddley* "before you accuse me, take a look at yourself."

But, we are not allowed to "move in" to our little house on the beach. So we are spending the night in Raleigh / Durham. And we might swing by the Dean Dome and Cameron Indoor Stadium, temples of college basketball.**

What this means is that I have printed out maps to the motel, and the beach front cabin. And as an added precaution, because I am directionally incompetent, I have taken screen shots of the maps zoomed in anywhere the directions seem confusing. These will be available, thanks to cloud storage, anytime I want. It probably won't help, but it makes me feel better, and if you feel good you look good, and if you look good, you are good. Or something like that.

I also took the precaution of following "Tracking Sharks" on Facebook. Now whenever anybody gets bitten by a shark, anywhere I know about it. If I remember correctly sharks like to hang around in the ocean.

Yes, the ocean is a very big place. There does not seem to be a way to narrow it down to a small area, and we are all brothers and sisters doing our best to avoid being eaten by sharks. Just trying to do my part, that's all.

So, stay tuned for pictures, reports, and updates, until you think enough with the shark attacks, Tim. Just kidding. It won't all be about shark attacks. My friend, who is from North Carolina, tells me they have a lot of Black Widow spiders, too. It sounds like paradise, doesn't it?




* I think he wrote the song.

** Probably my favorite sport.

Fly Me to the Moon, and then take a hard left, we still have a long way to go.

You know the real problem with space travel is that it takes so long. Which would be ok, because driving to Colorado takes quite a while, or flying to Las Vegas takes almost a week, or that is what it seems like sandwiched into that tiny seat, rocketing through thin air, drinking a 1/3 of a can of ginger ale.

The real difference is when you get to Colorado, or Las Vegas they are still there. But, if you point your space ship towards Mars, and start on your happy little vacation, family all loaded, flying across the great vacuum of space, and you arrive, Mars is hell and gone somewhere else.

"I knew we should have gotten better directions," your wife will say from the seat located right beside your ear.

"Are we there yet?" a thousand voices will ask from the two kids in the seat right behind you. Did they have to put the seats so close?

Before you know it the situation has exploded and the only thing that saves everybody from the shrapnel is pointed, venomous insults hurled around the cabin.

In seconds the situation is beyond control, and the anger hangs thick, and acrid in the air like smoke from a trash fire. Why do things always end up here. A simple little trip to another planet turns into a war.

But, there is a friendly Comet sliding by, Landing there is easy, now that those crafty Europeans figured it out.

A bite to eat, a bag of jerky, stretching of legs, and a little re-orientation, and you are on the way to Mars, vacation spot in the stars.

Space travel is not easy, so before you try it... Well, just don't do it, there is really nothing worth the hassle, and expense. There are some very nice places right here on Earth.